Get Your Hopes Up

I went home for Thanksgiving by myself about three weeks after I started dating someone new.

Over the holiday, I could not stop thinking about my new relationship. Would it last? Was he thinking about me? Would calling him look needy? Would not calling him be rude? Why wasn’t he calling me? Was that a bad sign? Around and around these thoughts went in the miserable echo chamber of my mind.

One evening, my aunt asked me about the relationship. I filled her in and then told her what had been my unofficial mantra throughout the weekend: “I’m trying not to get my hopes up.”

Actually, my mantra sounded more like, “THIS IS ALL GOING TO HELL JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER PSEUDO-RELATIONSHIP YOU’VE EVER HAD SO DON’T YOU DARE GET YOUR HOPES UP,” but I decided to give her the saner version.

“Has that ever worked?” She asked, gently.

“Has what ever worked? I asked, confused.

“When you’ve told yourself not to get your hopes up, were you totally fine when you didn’t get what you wanted because you had reminded yourself, ad nauseum, to not get your hopes up?”

I thought about it for a few moments. I could not remember a single instance in my entire life that telling myself not to get my hopes up had ever worked. Not once. Every single time, I repeated the mantra in the face of my anxiety, and every time I still experienced disappointment. I was always gutted. It was always awful.

“But what’s the alternative?” I asked, “Getting my hopes up and then getting the rug pulled out from under me?”

She said, “The alternative is asking what you actually want to happen, and then choosing the best possible scenario to imagine, rather than the worst. Is it possible you will get the rug pulled out? Yes. But the opposite is also possible. Wouldn’t it be more fun to be in the excitement rather than the disappointment?” - (Read the full article in this Happier post)

I was recently on the Yoto Daily podcast, chatting with my friend Yasmeen about this very topic. Although aimed at the younger set (ages 7 -12ish), we discussed some techniques and meditations that help me and my (much-older) clients to get our hopes up in the face of worry and fear.

What about you - do you have the courage to get your hopes up? Could you some support - meditations, talks, discussions and journaling prompts - to help you transform your anxiety into desire? Spots are filling quickly for my new course, Aglow:A Five Week Journey From Restless Craving to Vibrant Aliveness. Because this is new material I am testing, the group will be kept intentionally small and the tuition is beta-pricing. Grab your spot before it fills.

Love,

Yael

PS: Are you a Jewish professional who could use a FREE retreat to renew, recharge, and restore your spirit? I am thrilled to be one of the faculty at Adamah's November Retreat Yourself in Maryland. Check it out!

PPS: Know anyone who might enjoy this newsletter? Please forward along, and thanks!

Yael Shy is the CEO and Founder of Sefira Wellness with over two decades of supporting others in uncovering their inherent worth and capacity for deep joy through mindfulness. She is the author of the award-winning book What Now? Meditation for Your Twenties and Beyond (Parallax, 2017) and teaches at NYU’s Wagner School of Public Service. You can find her on Instagram at @yaelshy1.

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