I Can't Get No Satisfaction

Everything was going fine for my meditation client, Luke. He had a busy job, great family, and yet, his overwhelming feeling was one of depression and numbness. He had lost interest in sex with his wife and didn’t experience a lot of joy from his work or his family. When I asked him where he found pleasure in his life, he drew a blank.

“I guess when we go on vacation to a new place,” he finally responded, after several minutes of searching.

“How often do you go on those vacations?” I asked.

“Maybe once or twice a year?”

“You experience joy maybe once or twice a YEAR?!” I volleyed back to him. We laughed at this sorry state of affairs and he admitted a deep desire to change it.

Together, we created a daily pleasure plan. Every day, during three key moments in his day, Luke would bring his awareness to a pleasant sensation he was having and just notice it. Leaving nothing to chance, we wrote down a few that he knew he enjoyed every single day. 1) The feeling of his slippers against his feet as he put them on each morning; 2) The taste of his first three sips of morning coffee; 3) His Spotify playlist on his morning commute to work. He experienced all three every day without even trying. Luke’s only job now was to notice the sensations and enjoy them.

When Luke paid attention to these experiences with all of his attention, all of a sudden, his life opened up before him. The slippers were even softer than he remembered them. The coffee sang on his tongue. The music moved him to tears. Where previously, Luke thought he had to do something epic, like jet off to Italy or eat a very fancy meal to find joy, Luke became aware of the pleasure that was on offer in his own life, all the time.

What does this have to do with desire? In James Clear’s book, Atomic Habits, he notes that the brain has far more neural circuitry allocating for wanting than for enjoying. Most likely an evolutionary safeguard so that we would spend a good portion of our time hunting for food and sex, it means we rarely spend a lot of time dwelling in the good feelings we do experience, which leads to more alienation from our pleasure and our joy.

By focusing on just three pleasant sensations every day, Luke was re-wiring and priming the satisfaction receptors in his brain. Like a bicep curl, the more Luke practiced noticing the feeling of pleasure, and allowing himself to fully feel it, the less hard his “wanting” portions of his brain had to work to try and bring him satisfaction or joy from far flung places. He craved more of what was right in front of him. This translated into more presence and deeper joy with his work, family, and sex life.

Desire doesn’t always have to be about chasing the next big thing. Often, it’s about learning to tune into what’s already there. When you practice noticing and savoring small pleasures, you build new pathways in your brain that make happiness and fulfillment more accessible every day. Over time, this practice transforms desire from something that exhausts you into something that enlivens you—fueling presence, intimacy, and delight right where you are.

Do you want to deepen your daily sense of pleasure and satisfaction? Could you some support - meditations, talks, discussions and journaling prompts - to help you transform disconnection into joy? This is your LAST week to sign up for my new course, Aglow:A Five Week Journey From Restless Craving to Vibrant Aliveness. Because this is new material I am testing, the group will be kept intentionally small and the tuition is beta-pricing. Grab your spot before it's too late.

Love,

Yael

PS: Are you a Jewish professional who could use a FREE retreat to renew, recharge, and restore your spirit? Only a few spots left for Adamah's November Retreat Yourself in Maryland. Sign up today!

PPS: Did you have the chance to take my brand new (FREE) desire quiz? In just 2 minutes, it will tell you how you handle your desire and what your healing path should be. Let me know what you get and if it resonates!

Yael Shy is the CEO and Founder of Sefira Wellness with over two decades of supporting others in uncovering their inherent worth and capacity for deep joy through mindfulness. She is the author of the award-winning book What Now? Meditation for Your Twenties and Beyond (Parallax, 2017) and teaches at NYU’s Wagner School of Public Service. You can find her on Instagram at @yaelshy1.

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